Matthew the "toxic" siant?
Hi. My name is Matthew, and I am a "toxic" saint. I struggle with my faith [love] at times, and my head (I ask hard questions) sometimes too. Sometimes I struggle more than I love.
I came here simply to keep my mind (and my typing finger) active. I am not "lonely" because I have a wonderful wife who loves me (she is my best friend), two girls, and we are also in the process of adopting. I think my self-esteem is pretty good most days. I am a stay-at-home dad.
My true desire is to simply have an intelligent conversation about my life, my experiences, my faith [love], and my sometimes lack thereof. It's nice having someone to "bounce" things off of during the day... that is a little older than seven. My evenings and weekends are usually pretty full. I'll talk about anything. I have a cat, a dog, a car, a truck, a house, kids, a wife, guns, and have had 4 RVs. I like pizza and I don't like most veggies. 8^) "Gun control" is being able to hit your target.
I like to talk with folks that can share without feeling compelled to "get me told" go all religious on me. I have lost two children. NOTE: If you like to debate, I can do that ...but it tends to make me quite aggressive and blunt in my writing style. Moniti estis!
That being said, I will not delete this topic if you make me angry, hurt my feelings, disagree with me, don't take what I say as The Gospel, reject my advice, don't want my prayers (see below), or even if you make me cry. 8^) I expect the same.
That being said, my IQ is 137. I hold a BA in Criminal Justice (I know, it should be Criminal Punishment or Victim's Justice) and a minor in Sociology. For the record, I think Freud was half nuts. I changed my minor from psychology to sociology for that reason. I tend to think like a lawyer. I come from an educated, christian background. I like short sentences. 6^)
Attack my ideology if you like, but not me personally. If you think that you are God's gift of revelation/teaching, you will probably grow to hate me (which is fine by me). However, you can save me some time (and a red finger). Simply hate me now (I'm toxic) and go talk to someone somewhere else. 8^)
More about me? I have two "learning" disabilities, ADHD (can you tell) and dyslexia. However, I still know how to read The Bible for myself (with a fondness for the NA 26/27 Interlinear). I also know how to think for myself. I probably WILL NOT believe anything you say that The Bible says, unless it really does ...within The Writings "best evidence" context (and I do check everything).
Best evidence... "as close to the original as possible."
Because I can read, I am also aware that The Bible contains glosses. I am also aware that there is ongoing work to try and determine what the original text was. I am also aware that there are thousands of discrepancies, and that the original text is lost. What we have is only close. Look it up and see for yourself.
I'm much more concerned with how Jesus lived His life, than what is recorded that the apostles and disciples did after He left. I try and follow him, not them.
I will NOT believe that you hear God's voice every minute of every day. I used to think I did, and it lead to personal pride and [almost] the destruction of my life. Therefore, I will not receive any "word" you speak into my life. Jesus is The Word that I am interested in, and I have already received Him. 6^)
You are NOT welcome to pray for me ...unless you ask first, and I agree. I promise I will never "pray" for you (you know what I'm talking about). I totally reject those type of prayers. 8^P
Again...
Hi. My name is Matthew, and I am a "toxic" imperfect saint. PLEASE DO NOT reply to this post ...unless you think you can handle that. I always have Netflix. 8^)
Blessings,
M4tth3w
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marc M on -
I'll pray for you...
That's a joke. Actually, your comment, "I will NOT believe that you hear God's voice every minute of every day. I used to think I did, and it lead to personal pride and [almost] the destruction of my life," is something I've been chewing on. I can relate.
-Marc
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Permalink Reply by Matthew G. Parker on -
Marc,
Thanks for your prayers. I fleece... I mean I feel that God is telling me... OH, wait... He's telling you that too! Wonderful!!! That check in your spirit? Please send it to me. If it's over $1000, I'll put a brick (with your name on it of course) in the "prayer sidewalk" in front of my garage. 6^) If it's over $10,000 ...I'll put a gold plated placard (with your name on it of course) over the "prayer fireplace" in our living room! Over $100,000? Heck, I'll give you our entire "prayer house"!!! 6^)
Anyway... all I can really do is share my "experience" with "the word a minute."
Since I did that for years, I can't go into all of the details here... but the more I followed that voice, the less useful I became to Jesus. The funny (sad funny) thing was, every time I "missed it" I always found a clever "work-around" for what I thought I was hearing.
One example was me moving all of the way across the country because "I felt lead" to do so (I actually did that more than a handful of times). After this particular move, I decided to go to the major city where I felt "called" to live. The traffic there was so beyond anything I could comprehend, I almost killed myself in traffic. However, I didn't let that detour me for long...
Later the voice told me to go back (I was looking for a particular type of building I had been "prophesied"to look for.) Anyway, when the building turned out NOT TO EXIST the voice simply told me "I was seeing if you were willing to be obedient again." See how easy it is? 8^P
The voice, the voice, the voice. Excuse, rationing, work-around. See, I'm always RIGHT! I hear perfectly!!! 8^P I heard so "good" that when my family almost blew up... I got mad at God, instead if questioning the voice!
To make a long CRAZY story short, seeing my family suffer terribly got me. Jesus words, "My yoke is easy.." kept ringing in my ears as my family crumbled. I finally really hit The Bible with everything I could muster, and began to see a Book all about freedom for the individual, not bondage to tradition ...or some organization.
We survived. The rest, is as they say... history.
Oh, and every now and again that voice still tells me to do something. If its not "earth-shattering" I'll still test it out every now and again. Now, I just expect it to be wrong.
For example, the other day the voice told me that my daughter would get really hungry at school, and that she needed an extra sandwich (that sometimes happens). So, NO HARM THERE! I made the extra sandwich. When she came home, I simply asked her if she had eaten it. She said, "No Dad. I wasn't that hungry today." LOL!!!
I didn't need a work around. I didn't need an excuse. There was no, "What I actually heard was..." I simply smiled and went on with my afternoon. Now that's freedom! 8^)
Blessings,
M4tth3w
Oh, and one more thing... I still fill lead ...but it's mostly when I'm loading my 9mm.
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Permalink Reply by David on -
Matthew,
What a fantastic thread here!
I can relate to 'the voice' :) Been there done that, LOL!
Have been a pastor, evangelist, missionary, etc over the years but now for the past 8 I have felt more free in Christ than ever before. I've also had a handyman business, 2 cafes, been a trucker and now own a truck which our son and daughter-in-law drive for us.
One little book that has helped immensely is 'Rethinking the Will of God' [now in a free e-book which can be downloaded.] I bought the hard copy a few years back and now have read it at least 3 times and starting again :)
My wife and I meet with folks different times and once in awhile 'go' to church. We believe in loving God and being the church everyday wherever we are.
Sorry, we are not perfect yet but are being 'perfected' in Him. We have a website and I do a bit of blogging.
Again, I really enjoyed reading your posts above! I concur with 'Gun control' LOL
Have an awesome day! :)
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Permalink Reply by Matthew G. Parker on
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Hey David,
Sounds like you were a churchianity overachiever too. It's kinda funny you would post today, because I entered a "church" for the first time in years... just yesterday. Oh how I miss it...
It was quite the reminder of what I have cast off. Don't get me wrong, the "staff" was really nice ...but I kinda felt like a barn animal. You know... Follow the heard in. Wait for the music to play. Stand (I didn't). Watch the (pretty people and light) show. Tithe (opted out there too). Sit back down (I never stood up anyway). Listen (nod off) to what the preacher has been told The Bible says (begin to hope the nursery beeper goes off so I can leave early). Oops, music again (stand? nah). Leave (via mad shoving match to the door and a long line of cars as underpaid police officers stand out in the cold and direct traffic).
BARF!!! 8^P
Somehow, I get the feeling that Jesus had more in mind for His sheep... "One Shepherd and one sheep heard" that isn't!
Blessings to you David,
M4tth3w
If you shoot a mime... should you use a silencer?
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Permalink Reply by David on
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LOL!! :D
I can really relate! I have said 'sorry' to God many times for me putting folks thru all of it.
Here is a link to what I just posted http://wp.me/p1MFKJ-cu on my blog. I found it here on simple church from Miguel down in Ecuador he has over 25 comments which just adds to the conversation.
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Permalink Reply by Marc M on
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"Somehow, I get the feeling that Jesus had more in mind for His sheep..."
More like something else entirely in mind than more.
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Permalink Reply by Matthew G. Parker on
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Hey David,
That is very interesting. The Interlinear says leader NOT shepherd.Therefore, the "reasons" that there is a "rewording" to that Scripture is obvious. Control. Bondage. Manipulation.
However, since I am toxic ...I simply don't care all that much about what Paul had to say ...about what he thought the Jews should be doing ...over 2000 years ago. Paul himself said that he was chief sinner.
Nah on following him.
I'm already toxic on my own, I don't need sinner Paul's help! 8^)
Anyway, his commentary on what Jesus did and said may have been useful, but I can now read that information for myself. I don't need Paul, I need Jesus! 8^) I think that we as a "church" spend too much time trying to look more like "the early church" when we should ONLY be concerned at looking more like Jesus...
...but of course, I'm toxic.
I am of the strange opinion that we can spend the rest of our lives treating others the way we want to be treated, helping the poor and homeless, and still have stuff to do when we croak. I don't have to fast and pray (or pray fast) and I don't have to search The Bible to live like Jesus. I can plop open the first four books of The New Testament and live my life from there!
You know what, I simply wish people would say, "Paul is my shepherd, I shall not want..." (or add any silly pastor's name in here to get the desired effect). One Shepherd, one sheep heard. I'm big into that!!!
Blessings to you David,
M4tth3w
Oh, and Marc M... What you said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8^)
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Permalink Reply by Marna on -
Hi Matthew,
I may be the last person you expected to hear from, and the least welcomed. But I thought you might be just a teeny bit curious at my sudden and complete departure.
We had been enjoying marvelous "sharing" for . . . I don't know . . . quite some time. Then something appeared in your last post that I was not expecting at all. Yes, it shocked me. And yes, it was somewhat volatile (did you know that?), or at least that was definitely my perception.
Since we had shared many personal details, and I wasn't expecting this reaction, neither had I forseen it's possibility, perhaps there were other repercussions that I hadn't forseen. Therefore it seemed wise to do what I could to exit quietly and calmly, and completely.
Our conversations up to that point had been very enjoyable and informative for me. I saw a side of you that I liked to call my friend. And now it truly sadens me to see that you call yourself "toxic" and "sharing" so much bitterness. I don't know if it was something I did, or said to trigger this; and if that is truly the case I am so very deeply sorry. Your losses were truly horrible ones. And yet at the same time, I think every person living on this planet can say that the place where evil touched their life was truly and deeply horrible. It is a common thread. And there isn't one worse than another in comparison because they are all devastating. I'm not condemning you. I hope this isn't coming across that way. We all have our "triggers". Yours just caught me completely off guard.
My motives for this note are humble ones and I truly hope they are accepted in that spirit. I wish you all the best, Matthew.
Marna
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Permalink Reply by Marna on
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btw, I thought I'd add this one note that might possibly interest you. I learned something about myself in this "exchange". That is: I have a very pronounced habit of running to the nearest inaccesable corner when someone is upset with me. Yes, I run and hide. Hmmm. Well, There it is. And obviously I have made some people very upset in my life or I wouldn't have learned this habit. I tend to "blurt" things out. They are truly innocent. But they aren't sometimes very diplomatic and some people might say they can be "unkind".
So, again, if that is the case, I apologize.
Marna
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Permalink Reply by Matthew G. Parker on
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Hey Marna,
You are so totally welcome here! 8^) As far as our conversations before go, they vanished... which I admit was both shocking and frustrating. The fact that I type with only a couple of fingers, that I am dyslexic and ADHD, and that I have constant interruptions from my two and seven year old... only add to the time investment that I put into those long posts.
However, I didn't come here to avoid you, shun you, or any such thing. I'm not THAT toxic! 8^)
I did HOWEVER start this topic out of the knowledge derived from the aforementioned "quietly, calmly, and completely" deleted postings ...and a strong desire not to experience a repeat of that. 6^) You are welcome to delete whatever you post, of course. However, I feel it wrong to delete another's... unless you are moderating the forum.
As far as me being “toxic” goes, you appear to take that as serious agreement with the truth. That's fine with me. However, it was meant more in jest than in truth... MORE is the key word here. 8^)
This topic also (hopefully) takes advantage of the curiosity of the unsuspecting. My name just happens to coincide with the first book of The New Testament ...a fact that I exploited here. I'm not after quantity here. I'm simply interested in quality from the quantity. 6^)
The fact is, I simply desire a place where I can be totally honest about my life and experiences and not be patronized, shamed, or called names (which I tend to be immune to anyway). I guess the "I don't care about your opinions of me" statement bugged you?. If that is what "pushed your button" there is really nothing I can do about that. If I care what [anyone] thinks of me, I give them a power that only Jesus should have. I learned that lesson the very VERY hard way!!!
My experience is... USUALLY when people reveal struggles to christian's... they are seen as "bitter," "resentful," and or "hateful." This is a great problem. For some idiotic reason christians have been taught the “blanket-forgiveness-&-now-move-on” doctrine. Jesus didn't teach that. Nor did He teach “there isn't one worse than another in comparison because they are all devastating” ...so I disagree.
This confronts another topic christians have a problem with. Disagreement. I openly disagreed with you that I should “just move on” after the death of my children. Usually, a christian that disagrees with another christian simply starts another denomination (which is why there are so many). I simply think disagreement is a part of life, relationships, and friendships. We simply still keep “beside sharpening” one another and the fellowship goes on...
You see, “sharing” to me isn't always uplifting, happy, and joyful. Many times it is hard, disturbing, and harsh... just like life itself. When we are unable to weep with those who weep, we diminish Him. Compassion is love through understanding. But I digress...
So I came here... AND made my entire post a "disclaimer" of sorts. A warning (if you will) that I'm going to tell it like it is, warts, nose hairs, hangnails, pimples, poop and all! I don't care if everyone that reads this simply says “this guy really IS toxic” and moves on. That's their business.
You know, free country and all of that?
If that's offensive because it is too real, then like I said in the opening post ..."Simply hate me now (I'm toxic) and go talk to someone somewhere else.”
If not then... WELCOME!!!
Blessings,
M4tth3w
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Permalink Reply by Roy Hill on -
Last night, I was browsing a few discussions that had been of interest to me. In the English Bibles, your 10/23/11 comment resonated with me. I looked for your page mostly to see where you lived. Then I found your Toxic Saint discussion and read it. Again I found some of my thoughts in your words. Like you, I favor the Gospels, especially Matthew's. Have you encountered the site www.matt712.com?
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Permalink Reply by Matthew G. Parker on
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Hey Roy,
I started this topic partly because I'm sick and tired of talking about "spiritual" stuff and not doing JACK in the natural. The whole "act, say, appear" christian thing is total garbage. Jesus was a "do" kinda guy. He also made it really clear that the whole act, say, appear thing is a waste ...and He doesn't/isn't gonna buy it. 8^)
The problem is, the church has made "spiritual" jobs (like being a pastor) seem so... well, spiritual. Believe me, nothing could be farther from the truth. Giving our lives for Christ often simply looks like dragging our rear out of bed and going to work... so our family will be provided for ...or wiping a runny nose.
I like the whole matt712 idea. I don't do the card-pass-out thing, but I do look for opportunities. Being broke, mostly I just try and do the helping-hand thing. 8^) ...and I currently live near Pittsburgh.
Blessings,
M4tth3w
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