Wives of former pastors

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Permalink Reply by Dena Brehm on June 4, 2009 at 10:54pm

My husband was seminary-ized, ordained, and served in a church for a decade.

So, I'm a former pastor's wife.

We didn't derive our salary from church (husband was bi-vocational, and kept his job)... but I've certainly experienced many other challenges ...

We left our former church 5 years ago next month. Yes, it's quite an exciting and challenging experience ... the fear has long since given way to exultant liberation..!

What sort of struggles and concerns are you currently experiencing? What sort of ideas are you needing now?

Shalom, Dena

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Permalink Reply by Amy Fouse on June 5, 2009 at 1:00pm

I guess the one of the biggest challenges is just trying to figure out what to do vocationally (my husband and I). We both have bachelors of Biblical literature degrees from a Bible college. We had always thought we would serve in vocational ministry and so we thought this degree would be a great fit for us. It is challenging to figure out what kind of practical things we can do with a degree like that in the "real world"- outside paid ministry, though. We are still paying off student loans from that and so we are hesitant to get into more debt going to school to get another degree, especially in a struggling economy. I have seen that my husband is gifted at teaching and preaching and I am wondering where and if these gifts can be used outside the traditional church setting or if I should if they will even be used. I guess we aren't very comfortable with the idea of being paid to do ministry of any kind (or pursuing that line of work); it can really make following Jesus a little weird when you are getting paid to to it in a way that pleases whoever is cutting your paycheck. Probably asking lots of things that only God can answer and in His time. I have mostly just been trying to figure out what other ministers do for occupations after they leave paid ministry. We are kind of trying to rethink what could be a career field that my husband and I (if I need to) can fit in. It has been especially challenging because previously (when my husband was on staff at the church) I was a stay-at-home mom but have been working almost full-time the past year (as a server at a restaurant in town) and my husband has been working at UPS on the preload shift (beginning work at 4:30am). We have two small boys (5 & 2) and we feel it is important for us to care for them instead of using the limited good options for child care where we are at. We also live in a predominantly military town and have no desire to serve in that way. I just seem to feel that there aren't a lot of good options for job possibilities and we don't even really know where to look. We aren't opposed to moving but then where?!? We have been working in our current jobs since we left paid ministry but recently realized these jobs are not going in a direction we feel good about. We would eventually like for me to return to being at home with our boys at least the majority of the time, if possible and my husband would like to work a job where he doesn't have to get up at 4am and could work full-time. Anyway...sorry this is getting long and complicated. I am just curious what kinds of careers people with Bible college degrees get into. Don't really know if these are even questions that can be answered for me or if we are just going to have to figure out what God has in mind for us. Thank you so much for responding! I appreciate you response and caring heart! What does your husband do as a job? Does he still work in the same job he was working in when he was at the church? Do you still live in the same town you served in paid ministry in? What does your life look like now (5 years after the jump)? I would love to hear a little of your story. If you have it posted somewhere on here already, please just direct me. Thanks again!
Amy

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Permalink Reply by Dena Brehm on June 5, 2009 at 1:26pm

(((Amy))))

You're indeed in an unsettling time ... the foundation is being ripped out from underneath you, and your former modes of security are no more. I love this quote: "we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, to learn that it's God who's shaking them."

On one hand, you say, " Probably asking lots of things that only God can answer and in His time."

And yet, on the other hand, you ask, twice, " I have mostly just been trying to figure out what other ministers do for occupations after they leave paid ministry." & " I am just curious what kinds of careers people with Bible college degrees get into. "

May I suggest that the time for "doing what others are doing" is behind you, part of the very human system you've left behind...? May I suggest that perhaps He's saying to you (as He did to Peter), "What's that to you? You follow Me."

The transition from "complying with the system" to "following the Living God within" is a huge one. It can take a moment to get us out of the system, but it can take exponentially longer to get the system out of us. If you're open to the concept that it's likely to take far longer, with much more pain, and far more circuitously than you can fathom, then it will be easier on you.

No one can blueprint it out for you, there are no 3 easy steps to copy, no example to adhere to, to formula to apply. There's just the Living God, and you... as He personally and intimately leads you in a way that will look as unique as your own fingerprints and DNA. This is about learning a whole new way of intimacy with your Father ... about following Jesus who alone is your Way ... each of our paths look beautifully diverse and unique ... even while He is both Guide and Goal of each of us. He alone draws all men & women, & children) to Himself.

Learning to live-loved, rather than to live-in-compliance, is a big shift. But, rest assured, shift happens. ;)

You've seen those motion-detector lights? The kind that only light the next step after you've taken the former step? Well, this journey can be like that ... utter darkness before you, no assurance of where your next step will land, until you dare to step out, in fatih, as He beckons, "Follow Me." Once we are sure of Him who is within us (nearer than breath, closer than hands and feet), that which is around us is superfluous. Secondary.

It's not true that he has "one specific parking space" for us to find, and thus park in (regarding vocation, job, place to live, etc.). He wants us to know that He owns the entire parking lot ... and gives us the glorious gift of free will to choose where we want to park. He gives us the desires of our heart (He puts those very desires withIN us). So, what is your heart, wherein He lives, telling you? What do you WANT to do? Where do you WANT to go? Where does your God-given passion lead you? (are you beginning to sense the freedom here? is it not an exuberant thing?)

Rats. My computer is acting up, and giving off signs of crashing ... I'll share a bit more about my own story, and reespond to more of your questions after I reboot (my kingdom for a compliant computer, LOL!).

Shalom, Dena(((Amy))))

You're indeed in an unsettling time ... the foundation is being ripped out from underneath you, and your former modes of security are no more. I love this quote: "we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, to learn that it's God who's shaking them."

On one hand, you say, " Probably asking lots of things that only God can answer and in His time."

And yet, on the other hand, you ask, twice, " I have mostly just been trying to figure out what other ministers do for occupations after they leave paid ministry." & " I am just curious what kinds of careers people with Bible college degrees get into. "

May I suggest that the time for "doing what others are doing" is behind you, part of the very human system you've left behind...? May I suggest that perhaps He's saying to you (as He did to Peter), "What's that to you? You follow Me."

The transition from "complying with the system" to "following the Living God within" is a huge one. It can take a moment to get us out of the system, but it can take exponentially longer to get the system out of us. If you're open to the concept that it's likely to take far longer, with much more pain, and far more circuitously than you can fathom, then it will be easier on you.

No one can blueprint it out for you, there are no 3 easy steps to copy, no example to adhere to, to formula to apply. There's just the Living God, and you... as He personally and intimately leads you in a way that will look as unique as your own fingerprints and DNA. This is about learning a whole new way of intimacy with your Father ... about following Jesus who alone is your Way ... each of our paths look beautifully diverse and unique ... even while He is both Guide and Goal of each of us. He alone draws all men & women, & children) to Himself.

Learning to live-loved, rather than to live-in-compliance, is a big shift. But, rest assured, shift happens. ;)

You've seen those motion-detector lights? The kind that only light the next step after you've taken the former step? Well, this journey can be like that ... utter darkness before you, no assurance of where your next step will land, until you dare to step out, in fatih, as He beckons, "Follow Me." Once we are sure of Him who is within us (nearer than breath, closer than hands and feet), that which is around us is superfluous. Secondary.

It's not true that he has "one specific parking space" for us to find, and thus park in (regarding vocation, job, place to live, etc.). He wants us to know that He owns the entire parking lot ... and gives us the glorious gift of free will to choose where we want to park. He gives us the desires of our heart (He puts those very desires withIN us). So, what is your heart, wherein He lives, telling you? What do you WANT to do? Where do you WANT to go? Where does your God-given passion lead you? (are you beginning to sense the freedom here? is it not an exuberant thing?)

Rats. My computer is acting up, and giving off signs of crashing ... I'll share a bit more about my own story, and reespond to more of your questions after I reboot (my kingdom for a compliant computer, LOL!).

Shalom, Dena

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Permalink Reply by Dena Brehm on June 5, 2009 at 2:17pm

Part II ;)

(for some reason, the NING groups, and Facebook, slow my computer to a grinding halt...!)

About our situation ... my husband was (is) inordinately talented in the preaching-department ... which, of course, is a moot gift within the simple church realm...! Yes, he can still teach, but we're all called to teach (or, more to my way of thinking, we're all called to share whatever He's showing us ... for other to consider ... we're told that in this new covenant/kingdom we have no need for anyone to teach us of God ... He is with us ... perhaps we have to be taught how to hear His voice, after so many years of ignoring Him in favor of the human-up-front...?).

My husband was never paid by the church (if anything, we supported them, LOL!). Our demonination did something that I believe was to their merit -- they required that the clergy be bi-vocational ... that they have a means of employment "in the marketplace" so that they would be in regular touch with other humans, rather than "cloistered away" from them. So, when the church let us go (for very intriguing reasons!), we still had his employment ... which he's retained (he sells office equipment to the government).

We previously lived in the Washginton, DC area (outside the Beltway), and had been there for a total of 20 years (my husband since his teen years) ... and we remained there for an additional year, after the church kick-out. But it became clear to us that God was showing us the opportunity for us to sell, and to move to Oregon (where I'm from) - via a job-transfer. We were thrilled to have been set free from our church (which was repressive and controlling), and to have recently experienced a marriage-healing (talking second honeymoon here), so the notion of moving wasn't on the radar ... but God got our attention, and lured us to the west coast with the bait of a Victorian house (one of my passions ... He works within the desires He's given us). So, we sold (in the nick of time, just before the real estate bubble burst in that area), and moved 3,000 miles (with 7 children), and settled in to remodel our new home (then gave birth to our 8th, and final "surprise" baby).

That was the same timeframe in which we discovered simple church ... it came to us while we were searching for which of the local churches to join ... and we got to know some folks in H2H, and began reading subversive books by Frank Viola and George Barna (& many, many others), and spent some time preparing to open our home for fellowshiip ... though there have been many changes in our group, and in our approach to gathering together, we're still meeting with other folks here on a regular basis.

What does our life look like 5 years after the jump...? LOL, that could take a whole book to answer! Basically, back when we were still reeling from being kicked out, I was floudering ... the very ones who had claimed to represent God to me (the head pastor and his wife, and their system, and that denomination), had turned on us, using trumped up "offenses" against us, claiming sins that we'd not committed, to get rid of us (we were exposing legalism ... and when you point out a problem, you become the problem). They had told me how to perceive of God (their way), how to relate to God (through them), how to interpret the Scriptures (their version), and how to live our lives (their mandates). I found myself without their "covering" (don't get me started on 'covering'!), and couldn't even figure out how to read the Bible for myself! Utter confusion set in... so I cried out to God, "I don't even know what I believe in anymore! Show me what's of man, and what's of You -- I want Your Truth, and nothing else -- I will not, I cannot, settle for less than Your Truth!"

He's been faithfully doing just that, for these past 5 years ... meeting me right where I am, dismantling the error I've been taught (or had absorbed), and replacing it with truth (the renewal of the mind). It's been challenging to say the least ... at times even startling and frightening, as the brain fights to cling to what it thinks it already knows as "truth" (whether true or not). It's been a long slow process, one paradigm after another upended (the tipping of sacred cows, LOL!), and I know I've only begun ... there is no arriving, there is only the journey, and I now believe that this is an eternal voyage, going on long after this stage of life as ended.

I believe that He does this with each of us, either the easy way (as we cooperate), or the hard way (as we resist).

I've come to trust the God within me, the One I experience, rather than the God that others have told me about. He, and nothing else, is my plumb-line. I no longer believe that we're meant to have vicarious/by-proxy relationships with the Living God, but that we're meant to experience Him personally, intimately, right where and as we are.

I firmly believe that the Kingdom is within us, it's here and now, that Jesus shows us Father, revealing His heart and His nature to us, experientially, so that His very life (the only kind of life there is) flows through us ... not a matter of "touch not, eat not, do not," but a matter of responding from His heart, back to Him, and to each other.

No longer about rules, but about Relationships ...


(I did write a bit about our story, in a few places online ... here's the part about how we got kicked out of church: http://www.ptm.org/06PT/SepOct/formerChurch.pdf ... and here's a bit that I shared here, on this site: http://www.simplechurch.com/forum/topics/2303672:Topic:1696?groupUr... (4th post down ... it fills in the rest of the story that the magazine didn't want to discuss, LOL!).

Shalom, Dena

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