Pain in the church; grief in separating from church

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on November 22, 2008 at 8:52pm

This seemed the best spot to reflect on my feelings regarding the recent "split" on SC. Poetically, I am writing in the very spot that was left empty by one of those who left. I felt so much tension in reaction to the gossip and fervor which swelled as the ones who left tried to pull-in friendship supports on their side (triangulation) against their perceived enemy. I believe they tried to reach the person who caused them the fear, but they proceeded with such urgency that the person, who joined on the 19th, also left by the 22nd.

I am glad it is over and I feel much relief. I also lament that our community was not able to hold these women in prayer and encourage them to address their conflict directly with one another. The triangulation worked, people took sides, they lashed out with blogs and comments warning others to get on the right side of the doctrine. Some even became upset at the site administrators for not booting the perceived enemy fast enough.

Many come to us already battered by the IS. Some come to us battered by multiple abuses in their lives, as were these women. Those who are the most fragile are often the ones most vocal in tossing out anyone that looks dangerous. (fuzzy social boundaries) Instead of encouraging their reaction, which further separates them from love, I encourage us to pray for them, support them and love them more. Let them know that they are indeed OK and protected by God and that there is a boundary between them and the perceived enemy. And, when it looks like an enemy has come to us we may openly pray on their comments that we are mistaken and give them a chance to correct us. We are responsible to openly ask their beliefs and explain our expectations.

Emotionally, this is the worst church split I have lived through. "Through the Valley" lost two members with whom we transparently shared our lives who then turned their backs on us in suspicion. Yes, it happens in the SC too.

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on November 22, 2008 at 11:55pm

I actually think prayer is the BEST thing we can do for them. There was very little we could do in our interactions with them. I think their continued presence would have drained us and our community. As you noticed in the "erractic" posts, the one woman's prophetic dreams had no armor, no shield between her and the adversary in whatever form. Unable to protect herself, she would have been demanding upon us to remain in agreement with her and her prophecy so that she could remain whole. That's a job I don't want.
Now, I am feeling pressed-in as the 'headship' thread is also hijacked into a doctrinal purity debate. I am ready to move it here under "Covered in Grief" and invite the participants to resume safely sharing, except for the one I keep asking to stop the doctrine!

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on November 24, 2008 at 9:27pm

Oh, and the gem that I got out of the whole incident is that it pieced together in my mind the potential for credentials. You see, my husband sits completely on the fence about simple church. He won't go out to coffee shops or call up people for Sundays, so he's decided it will fail solely through his actions. I think he still wants me to join him at a bigger Baptist church, (and there are none in our denom here) which actually means 2-3 yrs of re-denominating studies and working my way up the ranks again to get back to the job I have now. So, despite the strange goings-on, there was something about the debate over doctrine in conjunction with people leaving to create websites that made me realize (and research) that I COULD organize a body that "policed" chaplains and it could be at one of the Ning free websites with a link from a group here. I might not have to leave simple church and join Joe in the pews!

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on November 29, 2008 at 4:07pm

My husband and I just learned that the church we attended last year, before we moved to San Antonio, has had a split at the beginning of November. I knew from other clergy in town that the Executive Pastor made good money, and that his focus on growth and tithing had already caused him to split from the denomination's church in town (5 yrs earlier.) We had actually logged on to their church website after seeing Frank's article about spiritual gifts because we were amazed at the similarities. We saw that 4 of the senior pastors were gone, including Music & Fine Arts, Children's, Outreach and Recovery. Here's the blog we found from our former Music Minister: (very sad) Scotty's Blog

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on January 23, 2009 at 6:37am

I'm feeling so many fractures with the group that used to be. So many have gone to create other sites and it is hard to log in and keep up with each one. For the folks who are still here, I don't have the time to write individual messages to every one. . . so I find out things long after they happen, or I cannot respond in a timely way to a hurting sister. (I so want to be alongside Claudia with all the pups gone now.)

The discussions on the main boards are dominated by heady debates of "sides" when I feel that Christ is really in the middle and that we are tearing Him limb from limb. It has caused me to study the current streams of simple church and to discover that our generation does not agree on how to decide what is true. Without that basic agreement, we cannot agree on any belief or truth, even about Christ. It is sad.

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on January 25, 2009 at 8:05am

I would love to watch my husband throw his back into some manly mudslide digging. Enjoy.
I've been reframing my health routine within a Benedictine framework. I am not just going to bed because I have to keep a medical schedule of sleep, but I am keeping divine hours to stop for prayer, one of which is before bed. I am not just eating a meal alone when Hubby is feeling ill, I am breaking bread with God. I wonder if your ministry accounting as a contemplative act that can be offered to God in the same way. Perhaps He would lift some of the burdensome feeling.

There is a stir to address the "sides" and I believe it is rising up from the women. I hope that you stay to be part of that. In fact, I think you could be quite influential because you are known for your prophetic voice. In the meantime, I wish you Sabbath in preparation.

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on February 1, 2009 at 9:08pm

Mr. Bill said:

. . . I have been 'lurking' for about a month, biting my tongue, and staying out of the fray. Its way too close to my IC days, which I cannot return to.I have been thinking that small groups such as this one would be much safer and less likely to degrade into a brawl and have more meaning,purpose, and care for one another. . . I felt the familiar 'grip' of grief see so many ladies with pink hats and no hair, knowing (in part) what they are going through. If I focused on it..that was just too hard to handle. . . I guess that, in retrospect, the issues on the forums don't hold a candle to the courage and strength and battles these folks are going through. I just wish the christian community had the power and heart to stop battling each other and give healing these hurting souls. .Sorry if I got on my soapbox. . .

Um Bill, let me see that. Is that my soapbox you are standing on? Looks awfully familiar. I stand with you brother and with every oncology brother and sister that I serve. Sounds like you have been fearful of getting burned by the fray and hopeful that this small group is a safer place to share your journey. I've found that generally to be true for myself.

I can't imagine the compassion in your heart in the sea of pink, standing there with your surviving mate. I can hear how you wish the Christian community would do more for them.
How is your wife now? Are all treatments complete? How long in remission? What's it been like on this journey with her, if you don't mind sharing these things?

It must be hard to balance your own needs in the midst of this. I know that I feel guilty stopping for my own healthcare when I feel responsible to care for my husband. You mentioned detoxing and that is difficult. Lord God, I stop right here to pray for my brother Mr. Bill. I know little of his story but you know every hair on his head, numbered. I pray for his serenity in this journey to rely on you and courage to make a difference where he can. Wash him clean in mind and body, to break the hold of toxins within him. I plead over the blood of Jesus! Amen.

Permalink Reply by Nik P. on February 5, 2009 at 9:37pm

Bill,
I loved your image of flute and how the breath is a calm controlled one. It is like ruah, the breath of creation.

I'm not sure how much you provide care for your wife; my husband holds down a job and gets around on his own. However, he relies on me to run a lot of the house and there are times that he is just down. I've found a good internet support group for people who are caring for their spouses who have chronic or terminal illnesses. It really helps to share with folks who "get it" intimately. If you need them, they are at www.wellspouse.org

Bless you!
nik

Permalink Reply by Kristine on September 16, 2009 at 8:28pm

We recently left the ic after some long-term "divine wooing." Left it *emotionally* about a year ago. Hardest part was rejection/ridicule/misunderstanding from "church people" whom we thought were our friends.